They say sibling relationships are the longest-lasting relationships of the lifetime. Who’s they? I’ll give you one guess and one guess only. Yes, psychologists. They’re back doing their thing, analyzing anything and everything they can to answer our never-ending questions. We all have them, maybe some more than others. I find myself craving explanations for the reasons and “whys” to almost every little thing that happens to me. Everything from my nagging headache, to my complicated older brother. Perhaps that’s just me. Good thing I’m a Psych major.

 

Interestingly enough, the realm of sibling relationships is fairly new and untouched in the field of Psychology. The distinct nature and contingent effects of siblings have been previously overshadowed by research on family dynamics and structure. However, according to work by McHale and colleagues, siblings are central and incredibly significant in the functioning of the larger family process. In addition, siblings have profound effects on the development and well-being of another, due to the many crucial roles they hold (McHale, Kim, & Whiteman, 2012).

 

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I imagine you are frantically psychoanalyzing your own family as you read this. I too, often succumb to this self-fulfilling prophecy whenever I read a psychological piece. Yet, I advise you to hold still, and don’t jump to any conclusions, at least until I can answer a few more of your questions…

 

They are our role models, tempters, companions, and even buffers to the cruel uncertainties of the outside world. Most importantly, they’re involuntary. As every preschool teacher loved to say: “We get what we get, and we don’t get upset.” But, unfortunately they can make us upset, and happy, and grateful, and annoyed, and angry, and disappointed and just about everything in-between. They are complicated.

 

Yet, defining which of the many possible descriptions above fit our own sibling molds is not that clear cut, or completely static for that matter. My mother has quite a unique sister situation. In conversing about the nature of her sibling relationships over the years, she reveals that petty jealousy and competition unfortunately crumbled the once close relations she had with her sisters.

 

As younger girls, their arguments remained in the realm of “normal” sibling bickering, such as fights over borrowing clothes without asking, or snitching on the other for coming home past curfew. However, as time went on, weddings, job offers, and financial situations accumulated dangerous self-comparison among the four women. In my mom’s situation, there are a few important factors we can consider. Narrow age gaps led to a race against the social clock; who got married first, or started a family first, was viciously competitive.

 

​

​

​

 

To the right is a photograph

of my mother at age 6. 

 

 

Or is gender to blame? She also had one brother, the second to last in the family birth order. Luckily, he was sheltered by his 8-year age difference to the older sisters, and also perhaps because he was male. As someone with two brothers myself, I can speak to the different motivations and interests that exist between a brother and sister. There are no favorite jeans to fight over, or as much social comparison between the two, because there is not enough similarity to spark it.

 

So why? How did they get to be this way? Well, current psychological research is doing its very best to uncover some of those very reasons. Studies reveal sibling relationships may originate in nature as a result of assumed characteristics and social processes, resulting from a range of sources such as status, gender, age-spacing and personality traits (McHale, Kim, & Whiteman, 2012). Of the many personality traits, temperament may play an especially important role in sibling difficulty. Probably not to your surprise, those with more “difficult” temperaments, are more likely to experience conflict with their brothers and sisters.

 

Well, maybe that explains it. I would say my two brothers have quite different temperaments, and personalities for that matter. My older brother was always a little troublemaker, taking the “terrible twos” to the threes, fours and fives. When he was five and I three, he decided to run back and forth across the confines of our basement. Taking off at full speed, racing to the other end, touching the opposite wall, and doing it all over again. I can still vividly remember the lap that turned painful, as he put out his arm to stop his body from slamming into the wall. In doing so, he broke his arm and proceeded to tell my parents it was my fault. Ahhh brothers.

 

So I’m sure you’re wondering where I’m going with this. Yeah so what, your brother was hyper and mischievous as a young boy, wasn’t everyone? I’d have to agree with you. But, hang on a minute I’m getting there…

 

My older brother was always a playmate to me, as most siblings are in the early days before friends take precedent. Our games always took the route of rough and tumble football, wiffleball games, or hide-and-seek turned dangerous the second he suggested the dryer as a genius hiding spot. We were close.

 

​

​

​

​

​

 

 

It wasn’t until lil bro came along that I ever realized differences between the two. As an over-protective, mom-like older sister, I was glued to his side ever since he was brought home as a newborn. I can remember sitting on the floor of our old basement, pushing him in his baby swing for hours on end, until my mom would finally force me to go to bed. Then, as he grew into playmate age, we were inseparable. Childhood games with him were much more fun for me, as I could get away with making him play house or American girl dolls. My mom never fails to remind us of how attached we were, saying how their friends or other parents were always in awe of our constant play, and lack of fighting.

 

But she doesn’t need to remind us. We’ve remained quite close over the years, or at least as close as possible with me away at school. As he begins receiving college acceptance letters, I’m propelled back into nostalgic flashbacks and a state of slight apprehension. Not only because I’ve always been protective, worrying about the college-life stealing my sweet little brother, but also because of the change. I noticed a shift in my relationship with my older brother the second he left for college. The text messages dwindled down to every couple months and a hug at holidays, so what if this will be the same? What now?

 

I can’t begin to understand the realm of sibling relationships by simply writing about my own. Or, speaking for others’ experiences with their own unique families. I was intrigued by the “perfect siblings”, or at least the “ideal” ones. The media loves to feed off of the cool, protective older brother character, who saves the day for his sweet, innocent younger sister. Or, the two sisters who are the best of friends, giving each other boy advice while their biggest source of conflict is who borrowed the other’s jeans. I’ve always been fascinated by these portrayals, perhaps stupidly, considering how often the media seems to deceive us. Yet, I’ve seen it among my own friends and peers. People who will confidently say their siblings are pretty perfect, or at least as perfect as it gets.

 

According to Steph, a junior student here at U of M, her three brothers are her best friends. The age and gender differences stand no chance against their mutual love of Jersey Shore beaches, sports, and Coronas. In asking her to describe her relationship with her brothers in one sentence, she revealed, “I could hang out with those guys every day of my life and never get sick of ‘em.”

 

Seem far-fetched? Or, do you find yourself idolizing your own sibling relationships?

 

Aligning with psychological research, besides the many different internal qualities we all bring to the table, sibling ties may also closely resemble our parents’ degree of conflict and follow the overall dynamic of the family.

To uncover if and how sibling relations may relate to those of our parents, I spoke with Ty, a son of divorced parents. In our conversation, he spoke to the role his five sisters played in this tough time:

​

“Before my parents’ divorce, I’m not sure I’d necessarily describe my sisters and I as close. Even while I was still living at home, our drastically different interests and personalities seemed to drive a wedge between us. Then once I left for U of M, I kind of let distance act as an excuse for why. I can clearly remember the night my parents sat us all down to tell us the news. I don’t remember being as sad to hear them say the words “divorce” as I was to see every single one of my sisters crying. That hurt the most. From that moment on, I found myself relying on my sisters more than I ever had before. I don’t think I’d be where I’m at now without them.”

 

Siblings are often referred to as “buffers” against hardships or potential risks to development. Early adversities such as traumatic experiences, or times of transition such as divorce, bring out a valuable side to sibling relationships. Relevant studies suggest that close sibling connections aided in positive attitudes, academic competence and self-esteem, creating an almost “compensatory effect” (Milevsky & Levitt, 2005).

​

In the end, I don’t need to sit here and tell you that siblings are complicated, diverse and incredibly important sources of love in our lives. I can’t sit here and give you a definite answer to why siblings are the way they are, despite wishing I could. Neither I nor any psychologist out there will be able to pinpoint one, clear reason to why?

 

What I hope you do take away from this article is that we can indeed look at specific factors of sibling relationships and try to understand them from a psychological perspective. We can reflect on the strength, or lack of connection, between us and our own siblings. We can strive to do better for them. Be better for them. Because after all, that’s what they are here for. We need our siblings.

​

Now, go give your brother or sister a hug for me.